Having a daughter is crazy and fun but sure deprives me of my basic amenities like sleep, nudity and sex…yes, that very spontaneous sex we have everywhere. Like who wants to hit it from behind now that she’s backing a baby or the baby is watching? Oops, too early for some sex talk right? Fuck you! I can say what I want, when I want and how I fucking….Ok, I need to calm down! This pressure is getting to me and in turn getting to you.
Nothing can prepare you enough for the birth of your child, not even if you save millions to give birth to Obama or Trump baby, ok let me quickly address that! Why in the world would you spend so much on a wedding where everyone just came to eat your jollof rice and forgot to give you drinks, rent that expensive Lagos apartment and now get a loan or save up to give birth to a baby abroad, and why? So he could have a better future than his peers here? What if that child don’t make it to 18? Or he leaves home at 16 and doesn’t wanna see you again or even becomes gay? Or whilst paying back your loan, you get sacked? And who else noticed how not so cute these babies are? Let me propose a conspiracy theory here, nurses are deliberately injecting immigrant babies with an ugly syndrome.
Cut that shit, I did not travel till I was 15 and it was for a month, it didn’t make me who I am, they have just as much problems as we do and I felt terrible seeing my dad work 3 jobs just to make us have a better life back home, that was enough motivation for me to want to make him proud. Ok, back to our gist before I lose focus of why I’m here…why am I here again? Oh, Adele turned 6 months some days ago and mama Adele thought we should celebrate, for what naa? So we would celebrate common entrance, JSSE, first menstrual period, first fight win or all those ‘irrelevant’ things? That’s how she’s been showing me attitude since then, I was forced to let go of my ATM and next I was getting alerts from cold stone and PEP, in this recession? I guess I have to thank God the alert dint come from Ocean’s basket and apple store.
Babies grow up so fast and my wife is worried she’s not weighing enough; I’m like we should be happy naa, back pain and wardrobe change is averted. I’m not a cheapskate but I’m an avidly prudent spender (wonder if there’s any word like that) and don’t mess with my money and only wifey has the right to spend when she wants (She knows her limit too) but who else noticed how expensive baby things are? And wifey keeps saying I should be lucky I have a girl as boys are more expensive to kit up. In an era where the government is more interested in giving dollar subsidy to pilgrims than we entrepreneurs, one has to be careful as going broke is a norm in recent times and is here to stay for a while, so someone come up with a technology that helps recycle diapers at home.
My mum asked when we are gonna wean Adele, I chuckled as I replied that
“when a dollar becomes 150 naira”,
Adele can suck her momma’s udders till age 5 for all I care, It saves cost for everyone and I know it’s just one mouth I have to feed. When bored now, I just go on amazon with my calculator and start checking the prices of things I love and can’t afford and converting their rates. Even now, I stopped entertaining futile meetings on Lagos island that they still won’t give you the contract or Job. Transport fare is an avoidable cost right now. If we can’t conclude on the phone, bros “carry your wahala and go”.
Now we are teaching Adele to eat staple foods in form of purry and puddings, What is babena and cerelac? Cow and gate what? Adele loves amala and ewedu after some potato purry and we top it with premium organic breast milk from momma; Nothing beats that. Even me, I eat just once a day…desperate times call for desperate measures mbok! I see friends disposing extra cars and lands and even defaulting loans all because of some crazy economic policies made by socially defunct bastards up there in the power house.
I heard they are arresting bloggers now, please com e and arrest me ooo, awon oloriburuku alinianfani ti aye won ma run patapata bi agolo lori express. Making many men seem like useless husbands and fathers whilst turning mothers into destitute and telemundo addicts. I choose not to dwell in the pain, I’d go play some FIFA 16 on my Xbox whilst we fast till 3pm because we are rationing food. I’m not broke…well, not yet but in an attempt not to be anytime soon…Desperate Measures!